One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.

‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor .’

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.’

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around and sees a beautiful diamond bracelet.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman didn’t witness her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

The Walton’s invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, “Daddy is a fisherman!” To which Mrs.Walton replied, “Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman.”

“No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says ‘I just caught another fish’.”

An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said.

“He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!!”

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated soley by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”.

The cowboy replied,”See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.”

“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, “You bunch of hippocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”

“That ain’t the problem.”, replied one cowboy, “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles from behind the mask.
‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
‘There’s nothing wrong with them,Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but now listen very, very
closely…… ‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?’

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“Amen”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

A substitute high school teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, “Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!”

She yells, “Whose Jimmy Poole?”

This kid in the back stands up and says, “I’m Jimmy Poole.”

“Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!”

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, “PAYS to ADVERTISE.”

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: “Now there are two!”

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