A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles — something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
‘Because,’ she replied, ‘I miss mine.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it??

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big thingie or a good memory.. I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. .

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

‘Gladys!’ he exclaimed.’ For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ….. You look like an asshole.’

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie , the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Results of a recent research shows that there are

7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet

Someone and you both have sex until you are

Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner

For a short time and you are so needy you will

Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner

For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and

You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner

For too long. When you pass each other in the

Hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun

In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any

More. She takes you to court and screws you

In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month.

But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It’s Braille for ’suck here’.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN’S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

‘Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?’

‘Yes, they help me to sleep at night.’

‘Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
these that could possibly help you sleep!’
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.

‘Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year
old granddaughter drinks…….And believe me, it helps me sleep at
night.’

‘You gotta love Grandmas!’

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate
further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?’

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how
Many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.

‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration

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