Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian
Medicine man. The medicine man says, “I can cure that” and throws a
white powder into a flame, producing a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can use it only once a
year.
All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!”
Harry then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to
continue?”
The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234′,
and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for
another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, “123.”
He suddenly becomes more aroused than at anytime in his life …Just as
the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say
‘123′ for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a
preposition.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, ‘Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?’ ‘I’m listening
to the music of the tree,’ the other man replied. ‘You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.’
‘No, would you like to give it a try?’ Understandably curious, the man says,
‘Well, OK…’ So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up
against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took
his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later
another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark
naked, and asked, ‘What the heck happened to you?’ He told the guy the whole
terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the
other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
gently behind the ear and said, ‘This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4″ stilettos and mask.

He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you”…then we made love
all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in
his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey
Batman, what’s for dinner?”

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your penis?” The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.” The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers,’ because ‘It really Satisfies.” The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?” The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!” A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?” The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.” The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?” The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

During a game of “couples” golf…….

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of
decency, here’s £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Scot’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers woman!” She replies, “You dinna give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”
He reaches into his pocket and says,
“Well, fer the love ‘o Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s £20.
Go and buy yourself some!”

Lastly, the Irishman’s wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jesus, and all that’s sacred woman! Where the feck are yer
knickers?”
She too explains, “You don’t give me enough money to buy new feckin knickers.”
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, here’s a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit will ya!”

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, ‘Did you call for me?’

The man replied, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She said, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain.

It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’ Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. ‘Did you call for me?’ asked the hairy man. ‘No, what do you mean?’ replied the newcomer.

‘You must be new,’ answered the hairy man, ‘it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’ The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she asked.

‘Here ’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.’

‘But Sir,’ she replied, ‘you’ve only been here a few hours. You haven’t had a chance to see all our facilities.’

‘Listen lady,’ he replied, ‘I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

I’m outta here.’

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles from behind the mask.
‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
‘There’s nothing wrong with them,Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but now listen very, very
closely…… ‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?’

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It’s best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it’s best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It’s easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.

6. It’s usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It’s best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it’s usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it’s nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin’ Bikes.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “you gonna try again!”

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. ”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that would do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

« Previous entries