A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,’Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca , age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married.

They Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they Pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob : “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds ”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob : “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and Sizes..”

Jacob : “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure..”

Jacob : “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more.”

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old man paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back..”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

‘Gladys!’ he exclaimed.’ For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ….. You look like an asshole.’

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

‘Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?’

‘Yes, they help me to sleep at night.’

‘Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
these that could possibly help you sleep!’
She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee.

‘Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year
old granddaughter drinks…….And believe me, it helps me sleep at
night.’

‘You gotta love Grandmas!’

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.  My dad kept staring at him.  The teenager would look over and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock...and I was just wondering if you were my son.’

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, “Fellas, I got real problems. I’m seventy years old. Every morning at seven o’clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.”

The second old man says, “You think you have problems. I’m eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.”

Finally the third old man speaks up, “Fellas: I’m ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.”

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a deli on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks this burning question.

He responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.

« Previous entries