Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca , age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married.

They Go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they Pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob : “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds ”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob : “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and Sizes..”

Jacob : “Adult diapers?”
Pharmacist: “Sure..”

Jacob : “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well,” said her mother, “so how was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things I’d never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home. PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!! “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama . . . he used words like: dust,
wash, iron, and cook.”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles — something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
‘Because,’ she replied, ‘I miss mine.’

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it??

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big thingie or a good memory.. I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. .

10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-30, pushing the pedal even more.”

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Texas State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old man paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back..”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day one of the woman’s husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
‘These girl nights have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!’

‘That’s nothing’ said the other husband,
‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
Said..

‘From all of us at the Fire Station.
We’ll never forget you.”

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

‘Gladys!’ he exclaimed.’ For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in ….. You look like an asshole.’

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the
prize for the best toast of the night.’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’

She said, ‘Aye , he told me, and I was a bit surprised
myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come.’

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