Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian
Medicine man. The medicine man says, “I can cure that” and throws a
white powder into a flame, producing a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can use it only once a
year.
All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!”
Harry then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to
continue?”
The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234′,
and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for
another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, “123.”
He suddenly becomes more aroused than at anytime in his life …Just as
the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say
‘123′ for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a
preposition.

1. When you are sad — I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared — I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused — I will use little words.

7. When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall — I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath….

“Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.”

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile . Somewhere in Houston … A widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS … It sure is freakin’ hot down here

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4″ stilettos and mask.

He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you”…then we made love
all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in
his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey
Batman, what’s for dinner?”

During a game of “couples” golf…….

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of
decency, here’s £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Scot’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers woman!” She replies, “You dinna give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”
He reaches into his pocket and says,
“Well, fer the love ‘o Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s £20.
Go and buy yourself some!”

Lastly, the Irishman’s wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jesus, and all that’s sacred woman! Where the feck are yer
knickers?”
She too explains, “You don’t give me enough money to buy new feckin knickers.”
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, here’s a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit will ya!”

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.’

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least.

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

“Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “you gonna try again!”

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely. ”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that would do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

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