At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. The CPU has a gun rack mounted on it.

8. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains.

7. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

6. The six front keys have rotted out.

5. The password is “Huntin” or “Fishin.

4. The extra expansion slots have truck parts installed in them.

3. The keyboard is camouflaged.

2. The numeric keypad only goes up to five.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, “what, you wanna race farm boy?” Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone “I sure do city boy!”

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. “What a waste of time.” the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

“Whoa!” the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man’s surprise the pinto went flying by again!

“FINE!” The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari’s doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

“WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!” Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, “I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!”

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative, said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count…

“1″
“2″
“3″
“4″
“5″

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
‘Hey y’all… Watch this!’

How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:
Hey Baby! Nice tooth.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is ’start your engines.’

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the stock market has fence around it.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your grandfather died and left everything to his
widow… but she can’t touch it ’til she’s fourteen.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever burped and killed a fly

You Might Be A Redneck If…
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’re saving up to gravel your driveway.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever bought a used cap.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids
it’s a water park.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car
out of a pothole in your driveway.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever had a dream about beef jerky.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story,
but you sure like to look at the pictures.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the
grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

You Might Be A Redneck If…
The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.

You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“’Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination — Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them — with a priest in the truck, he’d have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a “BOOM!” The driver looks over at the priest, who says, “Don’t worry — I got him with the door.”

1. Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
2. Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
3. With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
4. They can spit with absolute accuracy.
5. Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
6. Blue jeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
7. At least that rusty Pick-ups bought and paid for.
8. A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermo.
9. A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
10. Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?!” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”

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