10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. The CPU has a gun rack mounted on it.

8. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains.

7. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

6. The six front keys have rotted out.

5. The password is “Huntin” or “Fishin.

4. The extra expansion slots have truck parts installed in them.

3. The keyboard is camouflaged.

2. The numeric keypad only goes up to five.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work, so the doctor refers him to an American Indian
Medicine man. The medicine man says, “I can cure that” and throws a
white powder into a flame, producing a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can use it only once a
year.
All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!”
Harry then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to
continue?”
The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234′,
and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for
another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her
says, “123.”
He suddenly becomes more aroused than at anytime in his life …Just as
the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say
‘123′ for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a
preposition.

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, ‘Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?’ ‘I’m listening
to the music of the tree,’ the other man replied. ‘You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.’
‘No, would you like to give it a try?’ Understandably curious, the man says,
‘Well, OK…’ So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up
against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took
his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later
another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark
naked, and asked, ‘What the heck happened to you?’ He told the guy the whole
terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the
other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him
gently behind the ear and said, ‘This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The mother answered: “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
all mankind was made.”

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered:
“Many years ago there were monkeys,and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: “Mom, how is it possible
that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we
developed from monkeys?”

The mother answers: “Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the
origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.’

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear
power?’ and he smiles.

‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?’

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and s ays, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’

To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.

‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor .’

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.’

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile . Somewhere in Houston … A widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2005

Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS … It sure is freakin’ hot down here

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4″ stilettos and mask.

He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you”…then we made love
all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had
wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in
his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey
Batman, what’s for dinner?”

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.”

She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.”

Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.”

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browses around and sees a beautiful diamond bracelet.

As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman didn’t witness her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

« Previous entries