Three gay men are sharing a bath together, when all of a sudden a small bubble of sperm rises to the surface and pops. “okay” says one, “which one of you two just farted?”

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, “My Ryan loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.”

The second man said, “My Ross was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.”

The third man said, “My Jack was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.”

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

“Ted, you look awful. What’s wrong?” Harry asks.

Ted says, “Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?”

Everyone is shocked. “I heard about this kind of thing happening!” Bills says. “What did the alien do to you?”

“I don’t remember all the details,” Ted says. “All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.”

Everyone is horrified. “I heard that they’ll do that!” Steve says. “What did the alien look like?”

Ted responds, “Carl.”

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.”

The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.”

She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.”

Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!”

The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.”

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?”

He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!”

The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says, “I really want a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, “What’s the name of your penis?” The customer says, “Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.” The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike,’ for the slogan, ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers,’ because ‘It really Satisfies.” The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of your penis?” The man looks back and says with a smile, “TIMEX.” The thirsty customer asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!” A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you call your penis?” The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because ‘Quality is Job 1.’ ” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of my penis is ‘Secret.’ Now give me my beer.” The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why secret?” The customer says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

The guys were all at deer camp.

They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you?’ He said, ‘Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.’

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you? You look awful!’ He said, ‘Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.’

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ‘Good morning,’ he said. They couldn’t believe it! They said, ‘Man, what happened?’

He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night!

A Jew an Italian and a black man are sitting at a bar, the Jew says, “Even though I was circumcised, my cock is huge, probably the biggest in the room” to which the Italian replies, ” You are friggin’ kidding me, everyone knows there is nothing better than an Italian stallion, I am hung like a horse” The black guys says, “You crackers are crazy! No white guy is ever hung like a black man!” The bartender says, “Well, there is one way to find out, whip them out.” So all three guys unzip and wap them on the counter. Just then a gay guy comes in and screams “OOOOH!!! I’ll have the BUFFET!!!!”

What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?

A fruit stand.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?

…Well-endowed.

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says “I thought you understood the plan!”

The second lover said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot,” he replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”

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