During a game of “couples” golf…….

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded.
“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of
decency, here’s £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Scot’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers woman!” She replies, “You dinna give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.”
He reaches into his pocket and says,
“Well, fer the love ‘o Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s £20.
Go and buy yourself some!”

Lastly, the Irishman’s wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jesus, and all that’s sacred woman! Where the feck are yer
knickers?”
She too explains, “You don’t give me enough money to buy new feckin knickers.”
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, here’s a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit will ya!”

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried,the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but
I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “you gonna try again!”

A Jew an Italian and a black man are sitting at a bar, the Jew says, “Even though I was circumcised, my cock is huge, probably the biggest in the room” to which the Italian replies, ” You are friggin’ kidding me, everyone knows there is nothing better than an Italian stallion, I am hung like a horse” The black guys says, “You crackers are crazy! No white guy is ever hung like a black man!” The bartender says, “Well, there is one way to find out, whip them out.” So all three guys unzip and wap them on the counter. Just then a gay guy comes in and screams “OOOOH!!! I’ll have the BUFFET!!!!”

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his

girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

“Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.

Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the

moon.” replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time,

we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry

Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

A man in South Philly calls his son in Florida two days before Christmas and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this. She calls South Philly immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing! DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.”

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the salesman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond.
The Amish farmer shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.”

Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows have shit in it.”

The man shouts back: “I’m Islamic, I don’t understand. Please speak in English.”

The Amish farmer says: “Use two hands,.You’ll get more.”

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

GOD BLESS AMERICA

1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal
Attraction.
2. Anita Bakery
3. A 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day & Night
4. Barber shop called Felix The Cut;
5. A bakery named Bread Pitt
6. Fast-food place selling ‘maruya’ (banana fritters)
called Maruya Carey.

7. Then, there is Christopher Plumbing
8. A boutique called: The Way We Wear
9. A video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental
10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called
Caintacky Fried Chicken
11. A local burger restaurant called Mang Donald’s
12. A doughnut shop called MacDonuts
13. A shop selling ‘lumpia’ (egg roll) in Makati
called Wrap and Roll
14. And two butcher shops called Meating Place and
Meatropolis.

Smart travelers can decipher what may look like
baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the
‘Taglish’ - The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino accent such as:
15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu ?We hab sopdrink in
can an in batol?
[translation: We have soft drinks in can and in
bottle].
16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called
Bids And Pises -
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or
misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a
mistake to ‘correct’ them like…….
17. In a restaurant in Baguio City, the ’summer
capital’ of the Philippines: Wanted: Boy Waitress
18. On a highway in Pampanga: We Make Modern Antique
Furniture
19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan:
We Shoot You While You Wait
20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue
in Manila: Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier (?!)

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression
such as:

21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign
saying: We Sell Imported Robber Shoes (these could
be the ’sneakiest’ sneakers);
22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads: ?House For
Rent, Fully Furnaced? (it must really be hot inside)!
23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are
truly unique - if not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines
which said: Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos;
Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation.
24. European tourists may also be intrigued to
discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese
pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia - are owned
and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po
respectively - (believe it or not)!

Some folks also ‘creatively’ redesign English to
be more efficient. The creative confusion between language and
culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in
syntax in the adoption of new words, says reader
Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign …..
‘House Fersallarend’ (house for sale or rent). Why use five
words when two will do?

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako,
there is so much wit in the Philippines because we
are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to
survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called
the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up
mostly of politicians and bad actors.

God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”

And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shall not kill.”

“Not kill?

We’re not interested.”

So He went to the Blacks and said, “I have Commandments.”

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

“Honor thy Father and Mother.”

“Father? We don’t know who our fathers are.”

We’re not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, “I have Commandments.”

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

“Thou shall not steal.”
“Not steal?

We’re not interested.”

Then He went to the French and said, “I have Commandments.”

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

“Thou shall not commit adultery.”
“Not commit adultery?

We’re not interested.”

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, “I have Commandments.”
“Commandments?” They said,

“How much are they?”

“They’re free.”

“We’ll take 10.”

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