A funny Obama motto: “A penny saved is a penny taxed.”

Another funny Obama motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules.”

When Obama and tax collectors meet, they wink at each other.

Under an Obama presidency the IRS will be more diligent about detecting red flags, like leftover money in your bank account after you pay your taxes.

Obama says we should be proud to pay more taxes, but the funny thing is that most of us could be just as proud for half the money.

Have you ever noticed how Obama thinks nothing is impossible as long as somebody else has to pay for it?

There’s nothing wrong with the people who voted for Obama that becoming taxpayers won’t cure.

Once Obama is president if you get up early, work late and get a second job, you will still be able to get ahead – if you hit the lottery.

Blessed are they who find Obama funny, for they shall never cease to be entertained.

When Obama is sworn in as President, the only real “gun nuts” will be the people who don’t have any.

It’s a funny thing about socialists; give one an inch and the next thing you know he’ll be president.

Obama said “NO” to drugs, but they must not have heard him.

Even though Obama doesn’t have any experience, we’ll get plenty.

Obama’s cabinet is shaping up to be a funny sort of life form; lots of legs but no brains.

Critics are telling lies about Obama… and most of them are true. (Tip o’the hat to Winston Churchill.)

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average Obama voter. (Another tip o’the hat to Winston Churchill.)

The Obama administration respects our property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it. (Tip o’the hat to G. K. Chesterton.)

Sometime in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes
to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

‘I don’t know what to do here,’ says the Devil.

‘You’re on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to
stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people
here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.’

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened
the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over
and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

‘No!’ George said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t
think I could do that all day long.’

The devil led him to the next room.

In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks
appeared. ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!’ commented
George.

The devil opened a third door.

In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms
staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over
him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

The devil smiled and said… ‘Monica, you’re free to go!

Q. What will America’s national bird be when Obama takes office?

A. His middle finger.

Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

‘I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’ POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, ‘I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’ The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.’

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says….

‘Fill it with water.’

Two of Clinton’s sperm are swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm looks at the other and says,” Hey I think we are coming close to the ovaries”… the other looks at the other sperm and says,” Hey relax we just passed the tonsils.”

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.” “And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly. “And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.

Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, John McCain heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a “Vote for McCain” t-shirt.

“I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates,” she said.

McCain nodded. “The other candidates say I’m too old,” he said. “They say I’m losing my memory and that I won’t be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I’m elected. But I’m going to prove them wrong.”

“Good,” said the girl.

“Now tell me, young lady,” said McCain, “what is your name?”

The girl looked confused. “It’s ME, Grandpa.”

George Bush virus: Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.

Bill Clinton virus: Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Bob Dole virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Jesse Jackson virus: Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn’t appear to really do much of anything.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you’re really enjoying it.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, you’ve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lots’s of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you’re really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. You’ve got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can’t figure it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the beta version…

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