Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St Peter: Well, you’ve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision.

Bill has a look around heaven. Lots’s of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: Look, I know you’re really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.

St Peter: No worries. You’ve got it.

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can’t figure it out.

Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?

St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the beta version…

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he dicided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said “Well Mike, how’s it all going?”

“How’s it all going?” he asked. “My life’s a disaster. I was born to an under-priveleged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I’m on parole and I’ve hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids. I’ve lost two world title fights, I’ve disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned for life and they won’t pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse!”

“Oh, that’s so sad” the prostitute said. “I’ll say one thing to cheer you up. You’re a much better lover than Magic Johnson!”

Q. How does Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
A. By putting a plunger in the toilet.

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

“Gentlemen,” he began, “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!” With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. “Gentlemen,” he said, “I am the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world’s greatest athlete should have a parachute!” With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world’s smartest man should have a parachute, too.” He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

The hippie smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, pop. The world’s smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack.”

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. “Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Clinton country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: How do you know Chris Benoit’s wife was tougher than him?

A: Cause he taps out and she doesn’t.

Q: Who is the greatest woman in history?

A: Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25 cents that bitch swallows until she dies!! What a girl!!

One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, “Tonto I’ve been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do.”

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?”

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, “You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim.”

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks “What did the doctor say?”

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says “Doctor say you gonna die!”

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television’s Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.

Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ”Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.” The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein’s ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ”What the hell are you laughing about?”

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ”Tony Danza’s coming back with a watermelon.”’

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