Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to
be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words.

She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the
Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They
throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words…
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw
the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees , beg for forgiveness and
release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m
from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna
electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.

March - Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 - 4 years”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?

October- Hate M&M’s - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn’t dial 911- duh - there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from
L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. “I ask you a
question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-
versa.” Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
win the match, so he makes another offer. “If you don’t know the
answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will
pay you $500.”

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she
plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, “What’s the distance from the
Earth to the moon?”

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer. Then she asks the lawyer “What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He
taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to his coworkers and
friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the
blonde and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?”

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The redhead then screams, “tornado!!”

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”

The blonde shouts, “fire!!”

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back, which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over – so now we’re going to Sea World.”

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?” The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…” The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!”

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?” The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!” The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”

“Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”

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