Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and
bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.”
With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled,
“Come on, baby…. Southern Girl needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed…
“YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and
quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

Moral —
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men…..are men.

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette were having a breast stroke swimming contest to see who the better swimmer was. It was a 5 mile race.
At the finish, the red head came first, then the brunette, and finally, after two hours of waiting, the blonde arrived. The red head and the brunette asked what had taken her so long. She replied, “Well, I don’t want to be picky or anything, but, I think you two were using you’re hands!”

A blond and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord — nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blond finally jumps out of the plane and yells “Oh! So you wanna race, huh?”

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get very drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to
be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words.

She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the
Almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They
throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words…
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw
the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees , beg for forgiveness and
release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m
from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna
electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…HELLOOO!…bottles won’t fit in printer.

March - Got really excited…finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….box said “2 - 4 years”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours…power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won’t fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition…learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is “C”, isn’t it?

October- Hate M&M’s - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn’t dial 911- duh - there’s no eleven on the stupid phone.

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

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