Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?

All sorts of antics!

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”

Still no one guesses.

“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S
ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor

to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid

of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains

where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is

Being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.

The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich,
“What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order “That will be $9.40
please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A
hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again,
the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the
waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time ?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!”

That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with
a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, “You can have this rooster. His name’s Roy. He’ll get all your hens pregnant. He’s a real stud.”

So the farmer takes him home and says, “It’s your first day so take it slow, okay?”

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, “Roy, did you have to die?”

Roy says, “Quiet! They’re about to land!”

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after midnight?”

“I was blowing bubbles.” The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. “Judge, I was blowing bubbles.”

He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?”

“No, I’m Bubbles.”

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

‘Nice bike,’ the cop said ‘did Santa bring it to you?’ ‘Yep,’ the little girl said, ‘he sure did!’

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, ‘Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.’

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?’ ‘Yes, he sure did,’ chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.’

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. “Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!” The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!” The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses…”

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