A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black

Labrador in the middle seat next to the man…

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and
the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best

there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch
this.’ He tells Smithy to ’search’.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns

to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says: ‘That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat

number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’

‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to

his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm. The agent
says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note

of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ’search’ again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into

the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed now by this behavior and can’t figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks

the agent ‘What’s going on?’

The agent nervously replies, ‘He just found a bomb.’

‘Say, what’s your name?’ the bartender asked the first duck.

‘Huey,’ was the reply.

‘How’s your day been, Huey?’

‘Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?’ said Huey.

‘Oh. That’s nice,’ said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, ‘Hi, and what’s your name?’

‘Louie,’ came the answer from duck number two.

‘So how’s your day been, Louie! ?’ he asked.

‘Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?’

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, ‘So, you must be Dewey?’

‘No,’ she said, batting her eyelashes.
‘My name is Puddles.’

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”

That was the last thing he could remember.

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, ‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’ The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?

All sorts of antics!

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”

Still no one guesses.

“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.”

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S
ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor

to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid

of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains

where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is

Being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

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